From Blame to Permission

A Breaking Barrs Reflection

For a long time, I was angry at him.Angry at the lies.At the gaslighting.At the way he could play both sides of an argument so convincingly that I started questioning everything — including myself.

I replayed the moments over and over, trying to understand how someone could twist reality so effortlessly.

But today… it landed differently.

And for the first time, I saw a truth I didn’t want to see.

How can I stay angry at what I allowed?

That sentence didn’t come with relief.It came with silence.

Because admitting it meant letting go of the version of the story where I was only betrayed by him — and facing the part where I betrayed myself by staying.

He didn’t defend both sides of the fight because he was brilliant at it.He did it because I let him.

He blurred the lines.Flipped the script.Rewrote the narrative in real time.

And I stayed.

Hook, line, and sinker.Lost.Disconnected from my own clarity.Like a puppet on a string — and at some point, I handed him the ropes.

Here’s the part that hurts the most to say out loud:

The real betrayal wasn’t the manipulation.It was abandoning myself the first time I questioned my sanity.

I remember that moment — the first crack.The first time my body knew something wasn’t right, even while my mind tried to explain it away.

I didn’t leave.

Instead, I stood in the middle of the chaos, trying to make sense of a storm that was never meant to make sense. I absorbed the guilt. I carried the blame like it belonged to me.

And that’s where the shift happens.

Not toward self-hatred.Not toward shame.But toward responsibility.

Because recognizing where I gave permission doesn’t excuse what he did — it releases me from repeating it.

This isn’t about calling myself weak.It’s about telling the truth.

I wasn’t stupid.I wasn’t blind.I was hopeful.I was loyal.I was trying to survive something that slowly eroded my sense of self.

And today, I’m not mad anymore.

I’m awake.

I see where I stayed too long.Where I silenced my intuition.Where I chose familiarity over safety.

And now… I choose differently.

So if you’ll excuse me —I have permission to take back.

💛 Breaking Barrs Note

If this reflection stirred something in you, please hear this clearly:

Taking responsibility for where you stayed does not mean you deserved what happened.Awareness is not self-blame.It’s the doorway to freedom.

At Breaking Barrs, we believe healing begins when we stop asking “Why did they do this to me?”and start asking “What do I need now to protect myself?”

You are allowed to grow past what once felt impossible to leave